Monday morning Dodge/Tai/Yu woke up in Vancouver with a mission: Get the hell back into America and infiltrate Portland. But we loved Seattle so much that we couldn’t just drive right past her without another quick hello…so we swung by for brunch at a joint called:
I know it would be easy to assume that I was the one who picked this place out, but I wasn’t. I’m pretty sure it was Tiffany. I’m not sure if you can gauge what the theme of this place is…so here’s the menu sampling, if you can read it:
If you can’t just know that every biscuit dish is named “bitch.” Straight-Up Bitch. Easy Bitch. Hot Mess Bitch…you know…fun!
So we ordered a bunch of bitch dishes and scarfed them all down before we hit the road on the way to our final State Capitol visit of this vacation, in Olympia.
Although very plain on the outside, the Washington State Capital is COMPLETELY MARBLE inside. I’m talking every surface. All the stairs…with no sure-grip tape or anything. I can only imagine how hilarious it must be during the rainy season…it must look like some sort of Mr. Bean episode.
So the family took their photos with the capitol and it was time to hump our way back to Portland. If you remember, Portland and I last saw each other under very awkward circumstances. I think we just mutually decided to pretend that it didn’t happen and move on…for today was a very special day on our road trip…it was GEORGE’S BIRTHDAY!!!
We feasted in George’s honor at some place called THE COUNTRY CAT – which everyone seemed quite pleased with. I, personally, was a bit annoyed because during our meal, when we couldn’t find our waiter and therefore asked the passing restaurant host for more water she told us that “our server would be glad to help us” and then, without helping us find our server, she spotted some of her friends at a nearby table and proceeded to spend the next ten minutes hugging and chatting with them. Okay, I know it seems I have this building “thing” about restaurants and customer service. I know I’ve mentioned it a few times…but what in the hell is going on? Am I just becoming more ornery or are the most recent influx of hip and sometimes truly masterful restauranteurs feeling like generic friendliness not only isn’t a basic necessity for business but for common courtesy as well? I’m not demanding much. I don’t think…eh, maybe I am. Anyway, it seemed that our host was happier to see her friends than the other way around, so I think she was trying to show off a bit. I just imagined later that night, after she brushed her teeth and decided to skip flossing, our restaurant host looked in the bathroom mirror, reflected on how firmly she hugged her friends and told them about how the place would just go to shit without her, she gave herself a wink as she told her reflection, “Hannah, you did good tonight, you did good.” right before hitting that bathroom switch with a sassy little flick.
But the duck plate was amazeballs. I mean, on a bed of toasted hazel nuts? See? This is how they win and you lose, but your stomach wins, but your integrity loses after they win.
But to me it was what happened afterward, that was even MORE special…George, Eric and I went to a placed called the WHISKEY LIBRARY. 
You get it? They made it look just like a library, but instead of books there’s whiskey on the shelves!!! Before allowed in, they make you, of course, wait in another bar downstairs called “The Green Room,” where George, Eric and I “pre-gamed” while we waited. When they finally called our names for entry the weirdest thing of the night happened. The hostess led us to the stairs and stopped…so I just thought that this was as far as she goes, that we were to go up the stairs and go on in. So, I went around her and started up the stairs. Because she didn’t say anything, otherwise.
Oh, nonono…apparently I committed a faux pa! Because someone else was coming down the stairs…stairs, mind you, that are of standard American width that allows both directions of traffic at the same time…but I digress. The hostess stopped me, “No, just wait one second, I will lead you.” So I had to come back down and get behind her as, and maybe I’m being self-conscious here, she shot me just a lightning quick look with her eyes as if to say “Know you NO DECENCY!” But once we were allowed in the room all annoyance instantly evaporated as we were greeted by the sight of thousands of bottles of beautiful, beautiful whiskey being whisked up and down via bartenders on rolling ladders. There were no waitresses…just an army of bartenders to help you satisfy your thirst as you sank deeper into their rich leather chairs. For those who desired cocktails and not whiskey, the bartenders rolled out wooden carts geared with every old-timey bartending tool right to the table, and prepared said drinks with such panache and flair I thought that maybe I had indeed become the Greatest Gatsby. It was quite lovely.
By the time we left there we had a bit more “stumble” in our step, so we sagely decided to finally brave the perpetual long line at Voodoo Donuts to finally make our obligatory purchase. We were, of course, regarded with a pretty impatient sneer from the donut mistress because we took a moment to figure out what in the hell we wanted… but I’m thinking that’s what they think the tourists partly come for here at Voodoo Donuts.
The next morning it was time to hit Cannon Beach and the Tillamook Cheese Factory.
At Cannon Beach – most famous in our hearts for being in the end sequence of GOONIES – we actually met a family who decided to bring their pet ferret to the beach for the day. I mean, what else are you going to do with a ferret? Then, of course, at Tillamook we crammed as much free cheese as we could down our gullets, curds and all.
Tiffany, Charlie and I had been to the Tillamook factory before but nobody else had, so it was fun to share the experience with them, although the Tourist Greeting Center was under renovation and official tours weren’t happening…but that’s okay, I don’t think our group seems to be the type that prefers “talkie tours.” After eating as much cheese from the sample bins as could be humanely allowed, we then went over and had grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch – of course accompanied with creamy tomato soup with cheese curds, and then rounded it all off with fetus-sized scoops of Tillamook ice cream for dessert.
Needless to say there was a lot of sleeping going on during the drive back to Portland. No, not from me. But it’s okay, our troops needed as much rest as they could get, for the next day we were making our way to the pinnacle of our road trip, THE OUT’N’ABOUT TREESOOOOOOOORT!!!