It’s the morning and I’m sitting in my shorts on my hotel balcony with Tiffany across from me and a rainbow has just graced our view of the beach. The large sliding door is open and the rolling waves outside fill the room with a soothing thrum. During the day it’s family time down below. But the night is punctuated here and there by the sounds of tourists drunkenly dragging themselves up and down Kalakaua Ave looking to keep the party going just a little while longer. Mopeds zoom past like angry mosquitos cutting through the ambience of said nature and drunken nurture. But right now the sun is out and we are grabbing our last eyeballful of Hawaii until we come again.
Peering down from the sixth story we have had a full view of Kalakaua Ave and then beach and then water, with the welcoming statue of Duke Kahanamoku holding frozen vigil over the pedestrians, welcoming surfers of all levels, serving as a noble photo spot for anyone with a camera – which is everyone. From sunrise to sundown surfers bob in the warm water, sometimes crowded together in pods, sometimes spread apart as far as the eye can see. There are so many surfers in the water that it seems impossible for those who catch a wave not to collide with or run over the others. Miraculously, they rarely do. I could spend all day watching as they dodge and weave through the anorexic avenues between floating humans and resin, working their way through the cluster of madness as if it were a Hong Kong intersection. Everything seems to work out. It’s meant to be…
From what I have spied, Duke’s statue is tended to by a homeless man who arrives every night or so to clean up the heaps of leis left in dangling tribute from Duke’s arms. This fellow sorts through the wilting stringed flowers, leaving the best one or two to remain, then attentively brushes the base of the statue with a fallen palm frond or two, preparing Duke for the next day’s photo work.
To our left stands proud a giant old Banyan tree where surfers gather to drop off or pick up their surfboards throughout the day. A local flock of birds awaken each morning and set out, only to return at sundown with great ceremony.
As the days grow long on Kalakaua Avenue the performers and weirdos come out. Anti-vax/anti-mask protesters – twelve in total, two of them being kids – have appeared once or twice with signs and bullhorns and drums. Occasionally, a group of tourists – always white – would give them a thumbs-up, but usually the Anti-Vax/Mask protesters were regarded by the common public like a wet fart that erupted on the Avenue. People would mainly look the other way and wait for the unpleasantness to pass.
By nightfall the street performers, tweakers and Jesus freaks alike would intermingle…all pushing their message, their brand, their scam, hoping to draw in the drunks, the curious, the looky-loos with loose cash.
But right now the sun’s out. And so is this rainbow. God, how lucky are we?
Today we return to LA. I am tired. My feet are in rough shape, my experiment with the zero drop shoes has proven that I have a way to go. But the real bottom line is I think we have given everyone a decent run for their money in terms of activities and adventure…
*****
The day after our surf lesson we got into our rental and headed up to the North Shore. One of the more unique aspects of pandemic vacationing in Hawaii is that there is a dearth of rental cars on the island. All of the rental companies sold their fleets during the shut-down to stay afloat and haven’t had a chance to repopulate before what has turned out to be an absolute BUM RUSH of tourists rabid for fun. This has resulted in insane pricing for what few cars are available, or travelers resorting to renting U-Haul trucks, or what can be described as peer-to-peer renting – which is what we did.
So we reached out to a local and rented his tired old white Toyota Sierra – which I have affectionally christened The Aloha Machine. This situation was fine by me because why give money to Hertz when you can inject your tourist dollars directly to a local?
The Aloha Machine was all personality. Upon first driving it George commented that the condition of the truck was such that it would take him driving it straight into the fucking wall in order to damage the truck in any new obvious way. It got us to where we needed to go, and every reached destination felt like a victorious climax of an action adventure film. The engine throttled up with such phlegmy drama and lurched with so much awkwardness it damn near felt cartoony. It’s an uncanny replication of what the Jeeps feel like in the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, and many times as George accelerated we would yell, “YOU LOOKED INTO THE FORBIDDEN EYE!!!”
The Aloha Machine boasted other charms such as a windshield wiper control that only stayed on with manual manipulation (which is often, in Hawaii), the car only unlocks via the trunk, as well as there is an endless population of buggy critters skittering out of who knows where into the cabin – which was a delight for those in our group who are terrified of spiders – I won’t name names, but his name rhymes with LEO. The owner gave the car to us thinking that the front passenger seat was broken and could only be left in a full recline. Thankfully, George fixed that. The owner was delighted when he picked the car back up to see that George saved him a visit to the shop. The Aloha Machine got us from point Aloha to B just fine, and wherever we parked we never had to worry about anyone breaking into it – because it looked like some old surfer guy’s beater truck.
So up the North Shore we travelled. Our first mission? Kayaking. As we were standing around waiting for our kayaks to be dragged to the water for us, our first rainbow arrived, lifting our moods.
Some of us have been kayaking before, some of us haven’t. We started off in a mellow inlet and then awkwardly scooped our way into the mouth of a very mild river. Occasionally, we saw a turtle. One large turtle in particular popped its head out of the water and took a noisy gasp of air into its nostrils, which was a thrill to see. However, our three hour kayaking excursion only lasted about an hour and a half – because we are a lazy breed.
I think one thing I will reflect on often about this vacation is how much physical activity we accomplished. I mean…surfing, hiking (oh we’ll get to that), kayaking, more hiking (we’ll get to that, too), swimming, walking, and waking up early – yes, that is a physical activity in my book. You’d think we were trying to be healthy or something. Yech.
After our kayaking excursion we tried to hit a few nearby beaches, but the crowds were just too much. Yes, we are vaccinated. Of course we are – we aren’t spineless morons addicted to deep-throating every conspiracy that pops up on the internet. But we are still very careful both for our sake as well as Piper’s sake, because she is still too young to be vaccinated. The crowds were an issue everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It was a major turnoff. So, after trying two very crowded beaches, we gave up and hit the Dole Plantation. And that place was a crazy crowded mess, too. There was a capacity limit of people allowed in the store at once, and everyone else had to wait in a line outside. Over an hour wait to ride the plantation tour train? No thank you. We did the the maze, bought some Dole ice cream desserts, and got the fizzuck out of Dodge.
After the brief visit to the Dole Plantation our mission was lunch. We had hoped for Giovanni’s Shrimp – but the line at the North Shore truck was two hours long, according to the friendly security guard who’s twinkle in his eyes urged us not to join the line of suckers. Have I mentioned there are a lot of crowds on the island? We opted for Big Wave Shrimp just down the street and weren’t disappointed. I mean how can you go wrong with shrimp, garlic, and butter? You can’t, is my point. You can’t.
We rounded out our visit to the North Shore by taking a tour of the North Shore Soap Factory. The facility is a former Sugar Mill turned into multiple shops and such. The soap factory smelled…well, probably better than any of us did at that point in the day. This, by the way, was the most useless tour on the planet for Leo, because he barely has a smeller. But he still put bar-to-nose to try once or twice. Although the woman who worked the gift shop was surly as fuck – our tour guide was passionate about the ethical making of soap and showed us how it was all done. At the end of the tour we were each given slim soap bar samples and allowed to stamp a design on it. It was just good clean motherfuckin’ family fun.
After a lovely dinner at a noodle joint in Waikiki we turned in, for the next day was going to be early…
A shuttle picked us all up at 6:20 am for a morning hike up Diamond Head.
There had been much debate about whether or not we should hike up Diamond Head. Tiffany, Charlie, Chase, and I had done it before when we visited years ago…well, Tiffany and I did it, mainly. I hiked up the final stair portions with Charlie on my back and Chase in my arms. I wanted to do it again, sans daughters in arms, of course, just to prove to myself that I still could. It took some convincing, but we got Team Yu and Leo to join us.
This hike had been a goal of mine since the beginning of summer. I had been slowly transitioning to zero drop barefoot style shoes and I wanted to be able to hike Diamond Head in them. However, it takes a while to transition to this style of shoe – one has to wear them more and more over time to avoid injury. In the long term they are supposed to help with back problems and muscle development, which is why I want to wear them. Thus, I had been working toward this Diamond Head hike with my zero drop sandals for quite awhile and here we were.
The hike was hard. It was tiring. An old bearded man literally lapped us twice during our journey up – he ran the trail twice during the time it took us to go up once. Stupid showy old man. We were all gassed, but we made it. Since the last visit, Diamond Head has built an option for those not wanting to take the stairs, but Tiffany and I decided to stair it, anyway, because we are a passionate, sexy couple who celebrate sweat and health and, well, just moving our bodies and looking amazing and sensual at all times…while everyone else took the recently-built paved switchbacks.
Another subject up to debate was whether or not to hit the Polynesian Cultural Center. Although the Yus as a unit have never been there before, both Charlie and Chase expressed reservations about patronizing an institution that profits off of the backs of the native Hawaiian People and their culture. They didn’t want to spend money that wouldn’t go to the local people, but instead to an institution that wasn’t Hawaiian. In the end, we decided not to go. We weren’t interested in doing a Luau this year and the prices were pretty exorbitant, anyway. And you know what? In the end I feel that they were right in their convictions.
But we found a better way to learn and absorb Hawaiian history and culture. After Diamond Head we went to both the Bishop Museum as well as the Iolani Palace and at these two places we got the story of Hawaii finally told by the Hawaiian people themselves, as opposed to a version provided by missionaries. And it was different from the generic narrative. And real. And fascinating. I encourage everyone to especially go to the Bishop Museum – it covers everything about the various cultures and populations of Hawaii, from its emerging populations, to the timeline of its monarchy, to the deep and rich and fascinating history of Polynesian Culture. I think we all got a lot out of it. Much much more than we would have at the Polynesian Cultural Center.
For lunch we got our revenge on those long lines at Giovanni’s by finding a Giovanni’s tucked away in the food court of an Hmart! No line to wait in at all. How clever are we?! So not only were we able to actually compare whether or not Giovanni’s shrimp is worth that long line that all those sucker-assed bitches were waiting in at the North Shore, but we were also able to enjoy a variety of other food stall delights as well. The verdict, it was good, but no better than any other shrimp joint we’ve tried. In HMart Chase spotted a yogurt drink sold in a baby bottle and had to buy it. The drink was disgusting, but Chase kept the bottle and enjoys water in it for a laugh.
Finally, we rounded out our day with the Makani Sunset Sail – A Catamaran ride along the coast of Waikiki with “free flowing” booze as the sun went down. Leo and Charlie snuggled and took a lot of photos of themselves with Waikiki as their backdrop. We all let the ocean breeze while around us. Unfortunately, the sun retired behind the low hanging clouds, but it was still an incredible time to spend with everyone with amazing views. We also met a very bombastic geriatric foursome from Texas – their ringleader being “Jim” who very enthusiastically engaged us with all sorts of conversation, covering topics ranging from guns (he is retired air force and George is George) to how “Orientals” flip out when they see any hair color but black. It’s sounds more sinister that it was meant – he’s from Texas, he can’t help it, and even though Charlie’s eyes went googly on the boat ride as she was hearing him talk we all had a laugh about it once we got back to land.
The following day was another early one, as we met our friend Bruce (vaccinated) again for a morning surf. It was a bit frustrating as his paddle board wasn’t large enough for me and his surf boards weren’t large enough for Chase – so that left us without catching a single wave. But it’s hard to stay frustrated long when you are staring out at the Hawaiian waves. Bruce was amazing with Tyler as he essentially towed her board around the waves.
In the afternoon we decided more beach time was in order and we set up camp at Waimanalo Beach. This was a Sunday, so a lot of the people at this beach were locals enjoying time with their families, making the vibe was a lot more low key than what it was at Waikiki. This windward spot, to me, is also the most beautiful spot that we encountered on this trip. The waves were just playful enough to keep us swimming, and ever direction was a feast for the eyes. I think I stayed out in waves for our entire visit, just letting the water wash over me, throwing all of my worries out as far out onto the horizon as I could.
Much of that time Tyler was bobbing along next to me, and we floated in the waves together, and talked about nothing in particular. I haven’t really had any one-on-one with Tyler in ages. Usually, there are other kids or people around. It was nice to spend time with her. She is growing into an amazing young woman and she was great company.
As I was showering off I met an old man who said he had lost part of his hearing on the gun ranges of Guantanamo and the other part of his hearing in the fuselage of a submarine. He went on to explain that old people always think young people are mumbling because consonants are in the high tonal range and that is what gets lost with hearing first. Sure, was hard of hearing and talking about how much it sucks to get old but this guy was muscular and obviously had just come from swimming around in the ocean. I regretted not asking his name. It’s something I have to work on.
The next morning was our third wake-up-at-dawn stunt. George is a morning person already. Joyce can handle it because she is used to George. Tiffany and I were game because we wanted to make the most of the vacation. The kids, on the other hand, were one giant NO THANK YOU. I think the hours we had been keeping over the last few days almost destroyed Leo and Charlie. Chase had been waking up at 530 am every morning for her NYU computer summer school thr four weeks running up to our vacation, but she also wanted to sleep this one out. The Yu girls were in agreement. So this particular morning adventure was solely for the adults.
Where were we headed? We were meeting another old friend, Donna Choo (vaccinated) for a sunrise hike on the Makapu’u Point Lighthouse Trail. The Aloha machine growled and gurgled its way in the pre-dawn darkness, we pulled over to the side of the highway, and footed our way up a steady cemented incline for a mile.
Here’s the thing about God Damned Hiking. Everyone says a trail is easy because it is either short or paved. Horseshit. Frankly, I would rather have steps and jagged switchbacks than a steady, monotonous incline. It’s not my jam. I find it harder. I don’t like it. It annoys me. I found myself getting grumpier in the dark with every step. The sky was lightening up and I was convinced I wasn’t going to make it to see the sunrise. It was the first time this entire vacation where I felt like maybe I wasn’t game for adventure. Maybe I should have stayed in bed. Maybe I should try to stop doing active things because I feel like a fat fuck and I hate working! WAHHH! Baby had officially got a big poopy in his diapee!!!
Sigh.
But then I did make it by sunrise.
And Donna showed up with her 18 month-old dog Mana. And it was beautiful and peaceful every which way you turned. And this combination made it completely worth it. I concluded that maybe I should stop rushing to conclusions. And also maybe cut down on the pissing and moaning about everything.
After he returned back down Donna gave us snacks made by some local businesses and we said our goodbyes. On our way back to the hotel we found a LEONARD’S TRUCK. Fresh Malasadas…
…and then we returned to the hotel for a quick rest while the kids all went to the Waikiki Zoo on their own.
But our slumber was interrupted by Joyce alerting us that the line at a hot shave ice place down the street was small for once, so we popped out of our hotel room and made our way over to join them for what I think is the most amazing shave ice on the island (screw Matsumoto’s.) Island Vintage Shave Ice. All natural ingredients. It’s so refreshing.
In the afternoon we tackled Lanikai Beach. Many have told us that this beach would be one of our favorites. And it was beautiful. But the vibe was totally different on the day that we went, because it was crowded. It felt more like a pool in Vegas than a serene Hawaiian Oasis. Apparently, this place is such a zoo that the local residents have successfully gotten the city to ban parking along the streets anywhere near the beach. Our friend Bruce told us that locals call the area “Lanicry” because the residents whine and cry to get selfish ordinances passed. It also doesn’t hurt that the area is pretty wealthy, too.
Originally, the thought was that we would kayak from Lanikai to “The Mokes” but we were feeling real spent by this point, one of my feet went lame at the bottom of Makau’u and kayaking for a mile across the ocean seemed impossible to us all. So we camped in the shade, our chairs jammed into a spot right up against the wall of a waterfront house, Leo took the umbrella and found more space a bit off in the distance for the kids, and we tried to enjoy the beautiful view despite the not so serene vibe as the water literally danced up to our chairs to cool our feet.
Oh, I’m sorry, did you think we wouldn’t dare wake up butt-assed early for the fourth consecutive day in a row? Because yes, yes we did dare! In order to bust our way over to the Kualoa Ranch. (I was sincerely worried for Leo by this point, as I found him that morning sitting waiting for us, but just staring in the middle distance.)
Apparently, a lot of crap is filmed at Kualoa Ranch. It’s big and lush and green and exotic. The mountains are alien looking. It’s beautiful to behold. Jurassic Park or World. King Kong. Lost. They have all sorta tours where you can quad run or bus around to see where this or that was filmed, where Chris Pratt stood, etc. But we are from LA and knew that none of that would impressed our jaded and Hollywood hardened kids.
But this joint did boast of a “Secret Island Beach,” so we bit. Was it secret? I dunno. We boarded a boat to the secret beach that was a shorter trip than the raft that takes you to Tom Sawyer’s Island at Disneyland. But it was a nice time. A bit summer-campy. They had someone on a megaphone announcing activities. The water was a tad murky, but again…the views. The views were great. The girls played volleyball, Leo, Tyler and Piper chilled in hammocks. George paddle-boated. We had to get there so early that we brought our breakfast with us and ate it there. All in all, relaxing.
After returning from the Secret Island we stopped off at a scrumptious recommendation by our friend Donna – the Waiahole Poi Factory. Local Hawaiian Eats. One of the best meals of our stay.
After that we made our way to the Manoa Chocolate Factory Tour and learned about the emerging Cacao Industry in Hawaii. Their passion for both Hawaii and chocolate was infectious, and I’m glad that we could expose the kids to that.
But I mean we also ate a lot of chocolate. And sampled cacao husk tea. And that was rad, too. Nobody else had this reaction but by the time we were done I felt a warm, comforting fuzzy happiness after we left.
On our last day Charlie and Leo wanted to venture out on their own, Chase wanted some time to herself to read in the hotel room, and the rest of us visited THE OLD HANOLA BLOWHOLE! So much blowhole, so little time.
We lunched at a delicious spot on the way back to the hotel called the Moena cafe and then rested until our final dinner in Waikiki, which we had with our good friend Bruce (vaccinated) to thank him for his immense thoughtfulness and generosity.
And that is another TaiDodgeYu family vacation in the books.
It was interesting being on Oahu during a Pandemic – for being on vacation during a Pandemic. For the most part everyone was patient and respectful of social distance and mask wearing. Waiting for the elevators in the hotel was more of a task, as only so many were allowed at one time. Sometimes the doors would open and it would already be full, so you’d say, “I’ll grab the next one.” Nobody took offense. Everyone understood. Sometimes we had to wait fifteen minutes for an elevator. Many times we would break up into smaller groups to ride the available space. But it was what it was, and I appreciated everyone’s efforts. Businesses were also very vigilant. Temperature checks. Contact tracing. I think Hawaii proves that when everyone does their part, everybody wins.
This time round I thought a lot about the local Hawaiian people. Charlie in particular challenged me to think about what Hawaii is. Because of her, I read books on its history. I delved beyond the superficial coconutted, grass skirtted narrative most tourists settle for. I thought a lot about what Hawaii has been through over the ages and what it is becoming. The one thing that I admire most is how multicultural it is. I mean truly blended culture. I know it’s not perfect but in many aspects Hawaii is a model society the world should aspire to emulate. I won’t go into a history lesson here but I encourage everyone to learn more.
For me an important part of this vacation was the Aloha that was extended by our friends Donna Choo and Bruce Hsiao (both vaccinated.) The trip wouldn’t have been the same without their friendship. Donna woke up pre-dawn just to meet us for a hike, and then gave us snacks! If I was forced to wake up before the sun to hike with someone I’d send them a damned bill! And Bruce supplied us with a constant flow of food, vacation goods, and lended us surf boards and beach gear and really extended himself. Our friends’ generosity made me realize that I need to be a better friend, myself. Because man, I wouldn’t have even considered meeting ANYONE for a dawn hike. And I would have jist door dashed some food to whoever’s hotel. The level of constant thoughtfulness from Bruce is simply inspiring to me. I don’t know if I’m capable of being a better friend, but maybe I’ll give it a try. To Donna and Bruce, Mahalo.
As I look out on my balcony the word that I keep feeling about this trip is “love.” I love my people. My family. I am grateful for each and every one of them. This past year has made that feeling more intense and placed it front and center in my brain. I love spending time with them. I love having these adventures with them so very much. Sure, things change. Charlie and Chase are a far cry from being the little bugs who we dragged around Oahu years ago. Now, they are women who pretty much stuck together as a unit in the back of the truck, with their own asides and jokes, with their own inside references as they shared stuff they were watching on their phone. But I loved watching them do that, because I know they have each other.
I loved watching Charlie and Leo as they shared experiences during this trip. This was Leo’s first time to Hawaii- I hope he had a good time. I think he did. It was ingenious of him to even look for Pokémon Go characters in the Dole Maze, and frankly he rocks a Hawaiian shirt like a boss. Leo was a great addition to the group and really brought a fun vibe to the tribe.
I loved watching Piper and Tyler, each growing into young ladies themselves, embark on another tropical adventure. Tyler surfed! Piper was always a fantastic sport with whatever lay in front of her and has the most awesome sense of humor I’ve ever seen from a girl her age. I hope she can remain that way for just a little while longer.
I always love vacationing with Joyce and George. George did all the driving this trip, and I appreciate it. I don’t normally get to look around as we travel, and it was wonderful. George is also a true brother. We are at a point where we could just sit in each other’s company in complete silence without any awkwardness, or we can talk about anything. It wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t have my sister Joyce to give shit to and to then get it back in full. I have to say Joyce didn’t rush us once through any of the museums…but I know she was still screaming in her head for us to hurry up as we were reading about the war spears of King Kamehameha I.
And I love my wife. Shit, “love” barely qualifies but will have to do- it’s the only word in the English language that comes close. It’s simply not an adventure without Tiffany by my side. I love wading into the ocean with her. Hell, I love putting sunblock on her. I love sharing Shave Ice with her.
I’ve written about this before but it’s not about where you are, it’s about who you’re with. Every vacation reminds me of that. We were lucky to get this trip in. I am grateful for this time. I, for one think I needed some healing- it’s hard to articulate beyond that. And I was expecting maybe my vacation location would help with that. But I think what helped most was the dedicated time I got to spend with those I hold dearest to my heart.
We will be departing for the airport soon. There is a lot to do and think about back in LA. There is some arduous, exciting, thrilling, enduring, and heavy shit waiting for me. And a lot of it I can’t do on my own.
But what makes me the luckiest person on Earth is that while I can’t bring Waikiki back with me, I get to bring my family back with me.
So I think everything’s gonna be okay.
It’s meant to be!
